We all get hurt at some point or the other. We all go through odd phases in life. Life can be brutal, but is it really life or people around us who make life miserable? I totally agree with Sartre about elevated apes: ‘Hell is other people.’ That’s why I believe that life is worth all the trouble. I have said this a number of times in my writings & I mean it. I just don’t say to make myself look all positive. I too have been through extremely dark phases & I know what it’s like when you let go of hope & everything seems meaningless.
I lost trust few years ago & at that time, I thought I would never ever trust again as I had been stabbed in the back by my best people. I still don’t share every thought of mine with those who really care about me. Such has been the damage. This is nothing new; it happens with people. It has happened before & it will happen again. It’s another thing that people like to stay in a state of denial. First thing first, humans are not angels. I learnt it through the hard way cause the lesson was taught by my so-called best people.
Unfortunately I had a strained relationship with both my parents for a long time. I needed them the most when I was a teenager. I was friends with all the wrong people. I still don’t make best friends. Although I have some very good friends. However, I only had one best friend. She was the 1st person who talked to me in school on day 1. We had sure fun & we were friends for 15 or 16 years or maybe more. I now have no time for math. People change & I have changed a lot over the years. When I met her again, things didn’t work out. I was also friends with my elder sister& khalas. There were some other so-called buddies as well.
I don’t know why it’s too much for people, if you’re not like them. And I also don’t think people have the right to judge others. Since I’m not friends with my best friend anymore as we have changed & it’s okay but I have been judged too on this by people who think that if you are not friends with your childhood buddies, there is something wrong with you. Mixing friends & family is indeed one dangerous thing. About my other so-called buddies too...I just don’t want to meet them as when I meet my old classmates & old friends, it just seems to be more of a burden. Everyone thinks that she is too old now. I think old age begins at 60, not in your 30s but nevertheless people like to feel old & want others to feel the same.
In one of my write-ups, I mentioned Michael Jackson & Virginia Woolf. I don’t want to take 10 sedatives & I also don’t want to drown myself. Some of my friends say that my writings could actually make them cry as they can relate to it. I don’t want my friends & even my few readers to cry. If anything at all, look life straight in the eyes & decide at the right time. You may not get everything you want but life is surely not that cruel as it has been painted by those who like to fix the blame & yes it’s easier to lay the blame on life for everything that is rotten.
I’ve had chronic depression but I don’t take meds anymore. I stopped taking them as I want to have control over all my senses. It has been 8 years now. I was prescribed these deadly meds when I was barely 15. I had tortured myself. There were days when I used to take innumerable sedatives & tranquilizers. When I used to wake up, it was always a shock. One day I decided to get rid of all those people who were the reason why I did what I did to myself. They weren’t my enemies; they were my so-called best people. They were not guys; they were all my female friends & some immediate family members. My 1st love was an asshole beyond any reasonable doubt but it was the magic words of my so-called best people that did more damage.
I don’t blame anyone for what happened. I own up my actions & decisions. It was my fault when I used to put up with shit. I knew even as a teenager that some people lie for the sake for lying & yet I trusted them. I let them pour poison in my ears. I wasn’t using my brain cells. I was stupid.
But I have gladly paid the price. And I have survived for a reason. Unfortunately I don’t share everything. I just repeat myself. Some of my pals are going through very tough times. I can’t help you in any way. But I think these words can. Don’t let anyone or anything let you down. Make your own map. Do crazy things. Go for scared idleness…that’s one of the best things as time is priceless.
I have 30 cats & that is regarded to be one of the most craziest things. But I live my life on my terms & I certainly can’t live a life, according to the likes & dislikes of others. I don’t think looking after helpless animals is something crazy. I think it’s good work. And my pets have been a driving force in my life. I can’t imagine a day without them.
I’m sure there must be something that can give you peace of mind as well. Although I haven’t attained it as yet but I’m working on it. And I will touch satisfaction in this lifetime, cause I never give up unless the thing is worthless. I go till the end. Many a time, I have discovered that I had been running after crap. When it’s all that bad, I give myself points for discovering the truth.
