These days I literally have to drag myself out of the bed. I so not feel like waking up. In fact it seems I don’t look forward to life. I have always been a positive person & this development has come to me as a shock. Not looking forward to life is something worse than death or any other catastrophic event, in my opinion.
At the end of the day, I put a cross on that date & I have been doing this ever since 1996. Z has often asked me why do I cut out dates on the calendar. Quite frankly, I do not know. When I started this, I thought I was waiting for tomorrow. Now I know there is no tomorrow. It doesn’t matter when did I stop believing in it. . However, this is the 1st time in all these years that I truly do not expect anything. Every New Year used to be full of hopes. This is quite unlike me. Maybe it’s one weird phase.
I look back & I see one stupid person who was waiting for God knows what. I wasted this Ramazan, as I didn’t know what to ask for while praying. But all these years, I prayed for all the wrong things.
We are mostly flooded with questions. And seriously I have been wondering: is this trial or is this some punishment? I’m still standing where I was standing 20 years ago. And I’m not being dramatic about it. It’s very true. Z & I often laugh at this. What a waste of 2 decades though! Another year would be added pretty soon. But each year my humor becomes better & better. Nevertheless 20 years is a huge price for a better humor & frankly, it’s not that good yet.
Oh & I don’t make New Year resolutions.
