Quite frankly, I don’t like to say negative things, cause I was a born optimist. Anyhow, I don’t regard myself as an optimist anymore & neither do I have any regret about it. I just don’t see the point of painting the sky pink for myself when it is jet black or rather something shitty. I don’t even remember when was the last time I did something crazy.
This Ramazan I was quite worried that I might again pray for all the wrong things. But now I’m like as to what is right & wrong. If a thing clicks, it’s right & if it doesn’t, it’s all wrong. Yes I know I don’t have all the answers, but this is how I feel right now.
For a long time, I thought God was not listening to me; then I thought God was silent & these were trials. Now I think God has left me. In fact, I was abandoned the day I was born. But I’m a little confused, cause I don’t know whether to call it trial or punishment. We are not supposed to believe in reincarnation, but that might have solved my problem. Which reminds me that some people right now must be weighing my faith in some kind of hideous balance :P
Anyhow, I wanted to lead a normal life just like any average person, but it has somehow dawned on me that I can’t. This revelation is not such a big deal, but I made this awesome discovery few days ago. I might be wrong about it. I also said that I have a feeling that God has deserted me & I might be wrong about that as well.
I know we all get down & then we get up…it’s necessary to face the adversities of life otherwise one may not grow. I’m not complaining about that. What depresses me is that I’m still standing where I was standing in 92 & this is 2010. That’s the year when my father died.
Whether we admit it or not, we all know really corrupt people in real life. I’m so sorry to say but truly blessed people are those who are into smuggling kids & girls, killing humanity, trust & loyalty, lying for the sake for lying, cheating & deceiving on every step, creating insurmountable hurdles in the path of others, etc etc. So what’s the moral? We should become equally immoral like them or follow the right path that actually leads to no where. In fact, you’re even deserted by the One you don’t want to let go off.
However, I know that I can’t leave God even if he’s silent & I can’t choose that ugly path where you maybe blessed, but you fall in your eyes…at least I would fall in my eyes if I get involved in such things. So most probably I’m standing where I’m standing because of my choices.
The bottom line is: sometimes it truly hurts when you’re not that rotten.
