I often think of myself as “average-sized,” although no such thing really exists, does it? Every woman has her own distinct figure and naming someone or a certain body type simply “average” isn’t very defining or complementary at all. I could be curvy in one perspective, or “small enough” in another, and that’s one of my demons I have to battle with - not knowing what to consider myself, not knowing what to think of myself, or what to do about it. Do I diet? Do I go to the extent to starve? Do I mindlessly eat whatever I desire? This is the everyday fight these days.
To this day, after almost a year of my ever-changing confidence and heavy-as-cinder-blocks insecurities, I still don’t know how I see myself. Something I think I don’t see is that perspective is perspective, and that’s always going to differ beyond my control. I feel like my body is art, everyone’s body is art. I’m only built once, so what would be the point of de-constructing myself while I’m healthy? It is senseless when I am well aware of the consequences and the guilt.
Yet sometimes I still dream of it. That’s crazy to say since for a very short time I knew exactly what it was like until a binge that I felt terrible and emotional about. There were others, but that one in particular was worse than ever. I spent the night laying in my bed under my covers, with nothing but the lava lamp on, listening to a version “Videotape” by Radiohead over and over again. I’ve left the point a bit, but what’s important is that I’m not there, because otherwise I would be miserable and have sunk deeper into that darkness.
I suppose the overall point of my unleashing these thoughts right now is that every body is individually crafted from the rest of the world, and I should feel blessed and content with what I do have. If I intend to change, I should at least respect it enough to do it in a way that won’t harm myself. Besides, if I’m not even happy with what I’ve got right now, I won’t even notice the changes once I get what I thought was “desired.” For now, all I should desire is what I see in the mirror right now. The person underneath the foundation, the curly after-bun hair, and even the clothes.
