For quite some time, I wanted to write this but somehow I think that I have been avoiding it. I often think about the death of some people like Virginia Woolf & Michael Jackson. These 2 people actually take me in another direction. Virginia Woolf drowned herself; she was a very sensitive lady. And MJ used to take 10 sedatives before going to bed. It must have been such a torture on him.
Depression is a very strange illness. Even Sidney Sheldon was a victim of this illness. I often heard people saying that they are depressed but chronic depression is something serious. When you plunge into depression, your neurotransmitters go down. And only those who have experienced it know how terrible this illness is. Doctors also don’t give a damn; they prescribe sedatives & tranquilizers.
This Ramazan I have been a victim of hopelessness. I try to pray every day & yet I don’t have words. Whatever I want, I have a feeling that it’s not happening today & it’s not going to happen tomorrow; in fact it might not even happen in the next 10 or 20 years. It seems somewhere I lost my life. For a long time, I waited to meet it but now I’m waiting for nothing. Since I’m a very fun loving person, it’s hard to believe that I’m saying so. At this point in life (how ironic), I’m not even sure if I’m in search of life anymore.
There are times I wonder how many people would turn up on my funeral. I hope I don’t die in an accident though. I think I’m not going to do anything stupid to myself as I survived death 8 years ago, which is why I like to have control over my senses 24/7 :P And it also dawned on me that when we dead wake, we see that we have never lived. Henrik Ibsen has made it sound way too beautiful. But when it occurs to you…you are shattered.
