Lost my life

For quite some time, I wanted to write this but somehow I think that I have been avoiding it. I often think about the death of some people like Virginia Woolf & Michael Jackson. These 2 people actually take me in another direction. Virginia Woolf drowned herself; she was a very sensitive lady. And MJ used to take 10 sedatives before going to bed. It must have been such a torture on him.

Depression is a very strange illness. Even Sidney Sheldon was a victim of this illness. I often heard people saying that they are depressed but chronic depression is something serious. When you plunge into depression, your neurotransmitters go down. And only those who have experienced it know how terrible this illness is. Doctors also don’t give a damn; they prescribe sedatives & tranquilizers.

This Ramazan I have been a victim of hopelessness. I try to pray every day & yet I don’t have words. Whatever I want, I have a feeling that it’s not happening today & it’s not going to happen tomorrow; in fact it might not even happen in the next 10 or 20 years. It seems somewhere I lost my life. For a long time, I waited to meet it but now I’m waiting for nothing. Since I’m a very fun loving person, it’s hard to believe that I’m saying so. At this point in life (how ironic), I’m not even sure if I’m in search of life anymore.

There are times I wonder how many people would turn up on my funeral. I hope I don’t die in an accident though. I think I’m not going to do anything stupid to myself as I survived death 8 years ago, which is why I like to have control over my senses 24/7 :P And it also dawned on me that when we dead wake, we see that we have never lived. Henrik Ibsen has made it sound way too beautiful. But when it occurs to you…you are shattered.

Who is that frog?

We’re all on a vacation. Zara is lost in her world…thinking about love. I have a camera in my hand & as usual I’m taking pretty bad pics with much enthusiasm. Sara is the Rani of this episode. Which is why she’s extremely kali :P Yes, yes I’m coming to the million dollar question…”who’s that frog?” This man was being kissed by the greatest kisser & you can see the result.

Moral: This doesn’t mean you should give up on kissing.

I want my life back

My dear imaginary friend,

Where is the life that I have lost? Where are the dreams that have been snatched away from me? Oh, it’s just a thought…volcano is not about to be erupted.

It seems unfair though. It’s like when your soul is not being fed for years & it wants something & you know there is no food. How do you tell yourself that? I’m standing on that point. But I don’t know if I’m about to fall.

It has been one long battle. I have not shed blood or tears. I have lost my hopes, my dreams, my love & my life. They stabbed me in my back. They thought I would die. Sometimes I think I’m already dead. But if I’m dead, then who is complaining about life & what I’ve lost?

Oh yes, my soul is in agony, but I’m not dead. You don’t kill me. You can’t kill me. I won’t give up till the end. I’m telling you I’ll take back what rightfully belongs to me.

By depriving me of my last dream, they thought it was the end. It never occurred to them that when you take away everything from someone, you make a huge mistake. They have created an enemy that is invincible. It’s not the end my friend. Not yet. I will write down the end myself & it’s going to be so fair that evil souls would dread the word fair for centuries. I promise you that.

And when I said I want my life back…I meant it. In fact, I mean every word of it.

Eternally yours,

The most honorable living corpse

Nadira Rahman