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things i buy at street fairs 

various- (middle) sterling silver from the Tower of London

a nod to Portland. Got this dainty little vintage ring (from the 70s) in Brooklyn.

Honora leather, sterling silver and freshwater pearl bracelets

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TAKE A CHILL PILL

It has barely been 24 hours of my Mars adventure (apparently that’s what I’m going to call this journey of mine, why not right?) and I want results, I want them now, and I don’t see them. Literally there is a little Stephanie floating in front of my face right now screaming, “NO SHIT! it’s barely been a day what do you freaking expect you crazy person?!” 

So clearly I have an obsession problem. This needs to be fixed before my obsession leaves me in a puddle of “failure tears.” I mean I wish I could shake myself and say, “get a grip!.” What really blows my mind is that I read about peoples weight lose results and they all say something like, “I lost 30 pounds in 12 weeks.” FYI 12 weeks is about 3 months, NOT 24 hours! I read these things, I understand them, yet when it comes to myself I expect to be some sort of scientific break-thru. News flash….I’m awesome, however, not awesome enough to be a scientific break-thru, one in a billion exception.

So now how do I get over this? I’m thinking that everyday I don’t weigh myself, or measure myself, or allow myself to obsess over the results is going to be another day better. This obsession reminds me of a person addicted to smoking, and those people that gradually quit. The less and less they smoke each day, brings them one step closer to being free of their addiction. The plan is to slowly re-train my brain to stop obsessing over results, and spend that time doing something more productive, like writing about it. 

I feel really positive about this plan. I can feel myself changing. It may a minuet change, but it’s change. 

Super Cool Cubicles at Work

These are some of the coolest work stations and cubicles that I have seen. Yes, good companies that care about the welfare of their people and think about creating a work environment in which people feel more productive and happy. I wouldn't mind working in such a place.

Mera Role Is Mai Bohat Change Hai

It's simple I am kinda tired of stuff. I want some change now. Life seems monotonous and stagnant. Of course there are these moments of happiness and momentary pleasure time and again, which I cherish truly but it's that sort of change that aint happening.

Please do not mention the word "Marriage" now. It is not the sort of change I mean. Yes, but I'd be happy if that too would happen :) No denying that. Par like I keep telling everyone...the good susheel sort of guys do not exist. I am ok with the not so ideal type also...but for them I am THE BEST FRIEND.

This is not the issue actually. I am not so happy with stuff that is just not friggin happening. The pending things that keep on delaying no matter how hard we try to finish them. The peace has all gone away. The bomb blasts every now and then just makes the city so un safe. It's weird how we live. People keep dying around us, bull shit is happening, media blows it all up, politicians never stop barking, people keep on becoming the fools and nothing really changes. It is suffocating. But we still gotta live. Reminds me of that dialogue that John Abraham said in Paap "Marnay kay dar se kia insaan jeena chor de ?"

Well, nobody stops living. Only those who actually go through the shit can feel the pain. And no matter how hard we try there is not much that we can do.

A friend of mine is sad because her uncle passed away. I know she is quite sad and hurt though she wouldn't say a lot. Like I said, not much that one can do even if we want to. I wish everyone there recovers and uncle may rest in peace.

I was also a bit irritated till last 2 weeks to see how idle minds were spreading stories and discussing shit. But, then that's all they can do. And perhaps that is what they are best at doing. So, I decided not to waste any more time on even talking to them. The company that sucks should stay in the bin.

These days I am more motivated to do something about animal shelters and animals in general. These countries I thought who did so much for animals, even they are so messed up. There is no proper way of doing stuff. Talking about animals, this old cat of ours whom we adopted from our old neighbor while shifting, he keeps spraying till this day.

I tried working out things with this very old special acquaintance. He wouldn't be called a friend I guess. I was amazed that how things can never be normal even if you really try hard to make things perfect as the situation requires. I realized it's better to let go off working on this also though my attachment over the years always makes me think let's make it all good. Somethings are beyond my understanding. It aint really my thing perhaps.

There's still a whole lot more I wanted to write. Little things. They are all about the change I mentioned before. I don't want to sound like those actresses who say the same thing about every new movie they do...."Mera Role is Mai Bohat CHANGE hai" :)

This CHANGE factor is so missing I swear. Wish it was as simple as they put it.

Somethings Are The Way They Are...

Somethings are the way they are and words just can't explain. No matter how hard you try to make everyone understand, no matter how you make the picture clear...but when the person sitting in front of you doesn't want to see the real picture, not much can be done. It's better to let things be the way they are. There is no point banging your head against a wall.

What's interesting is how everyone is wearing the goggles and following each other blindly going to some Practical Valley of success through the roads of lies, games, hypocrisy and fake talk. And those who defy the norms are the mad ones. The blind followers ensure the madness doesn't spread any further. The fear of this lonesome madness is far greater than the fear of the blindness leading them to a shit hole. Or they feel at least they are together.

I just realized when I decided to leave my job how a lot of people indirectly told me what a loser I am. They told me how unhappy I will be. That I have left the best option and growth. I don't know how people can pass their judgement and predict the future without knowing why a decision was made in the first place. But because these people don't mean anything to me I didn't spend a lot of time explaining to them about my reasons.

It wasn't that easy for me either to take the step...I linger on to stuff for long. But then when I felt I wasn't happy I just took the step. Everyone can't take such steps but I was at a point when I felt peace of mind is more important than growth and success. If you don't bring the change then you're stuck and when you're stuck you're not growing from any angle. And what is life without any change. We have to take the risk. You can't play it safe all the time. And then when you are not wearing the goggles and following everyone blindly - perhaps you are the one to take such a step anyway which everyone disapproves of. Nevertheless, since it's your life you gotta make it or break it your way.

And then another thing is that I just feel when you are better than the rest you gotta be told this. But when you see the worshippers of fake shit are getting it all by doing nothing but by virtually blabbing stuff, it makes no sense to me. There should be a difference between work and shit! There should be a difference between being focused and playing games! The right things need to be told to the right people at the right time.

But since certain things are not in your control you gotta let them be. And since we are and should be in absolute control of our life...it's better to do what you think is right with your life and forget what everyone else thinks.

- Zaira Rahman