True feelings are worthless

2 days ago, I read a short story based on a passionate, frenzied love & somehow I just can’t stop thinking about it. I’m actually disturbed & maybe that’s why I need to scribble something on it. As such I don’t like reading about love stories but at the same time, it’s almost impossible to stay away from them, because somehow they always creep in.

As usual it has made me question a couple of things. We feel so badly about a character but in real life, we don’t mind hurting & insulting people. It’s okay to be callous & have a bit of fun. True feelings are meant to be insulted sooner or later & love can surely take you to hell.

This is a story about Fred Manson & Gracie. Ned Preston is another important character. He happens to be a Prison visitor & that’s how he learns about the love affair of Fred & Gracie. Fred was serving 18 months sentence in jail for stealing but whatever he did, he did in the name of love. Gracie was much above him in everyway & he wanted her to have the best of everything.

Basically Fred is the type of character who only wanted a bit of fun & it was impossible for him to remain faithful to anyone, but he falls in love with Gracie. And beyond any reasonable doubt, it was genuine love.

‘I’m gone, I can’t help myself, I’m so stuck on you I can’t see straight. I didn’t know what it was to love like I love you.’

At another point, while talking about Gracie, he says this to Ned: ‘I could have had her over & over again if I’d wanted to. And I did want to & so did she. I knew that. But I respected her, see? She’s not like other girls. She’s one in a thousand, I tell you.’

Anyhow when he went to jail for stealing, things altered. Parents of Gracie didn’t want her to marry him anymore but she left the house & started working night & day. Meanwhile Fred thought that Gracie would leave him.

On the other hand, when Ned meets Gracie & tells him about why Fred was into stealing stuff, she said, ‘Tell him that nothing matters to me as long as he loves me. Tell him I’d wait for twenty years for him if I had to. Tell him I’m counting the days till he gets out so we can get married.’

18 months is not a very long time but things do change when you keep on thinking about the same person night & day. Naturally Fred became sick to death of Gracie. He didn’t want to see her face as he hated the sight of her. Even though Ned tried to convince him but Fred didn’t change his mind & so Ned had to go & tell Gracie.

I like how Ned expresses himself; there’s a lot of truth in it that one may not like but this is what happens even in real life. You don’t mind throwing a person as if he/she is a useless squeezed lemon:

‘Imagination’s an odd thing, it dries up; I suppose thinking of her incessantly all that time he’d exhausted every emotion she could give him, & I think it was quite literally true, he’d just got sick to death of her. He’s squeezed the lemon dry & there was nothing to do but throw away the rind.’

Anyhow Gracie took this awful news in a very calm manner. It was like as if she had missed a bus & it was a nuisance to wait for another one but she didn’t create any scene. This is what she said: ‘There’s nothing for me to do now but put my head in the gas oven.’ And the sad part is that she did.

This is indeed heart wrenching. I was wondering if this is what happens when feelings are so genuine, we can’t expect much when it comes to lousy crushes & attractions. And the more I think about this story, the conclusion seems totally apt & I hate it. Gracie was left with no other option & Fred must have been truly sick & tired of her. We can’t blame any character for the choices they made. I don’t know about the others but I think I would have done the same thing.

I guess it’s very easy to say: Don’t cry…just say ‘Fuck you’ & smile!!! For a long time, I thought life was the most inexpensive thing on this planet but now I believe feelings are even more cheap. No one wants to buy them. In fact people not just get rid of them in a variety of ways but they also jeer at them along with low-life fuckers & stuck-up cunts. It’s ironic there is no market for true feelings but most of the relationships are weighed in a balance, cause that’s the only business that works out in this world.

To make any improvement on your self in any way you need to know...

To make any improvement on your self in any way you need to know how and what you are truly feeling.

Pretentious Love

I have heard so much about love and people giving various definitions to it because it is an experience that varies from person to person. It definitely seems to be a beautiful emotion but it is something so rare. Especially the love that people have for each other, if they really do.

Most of the times, they just lie to each other and themselves and don't really realize that actually there is no love between them. I have seen such people. They might have their reasons for living like that. Sometimes, living a lie is more comfortable than the harsh realities that absolutely suck.

I came across many people...countless in fact who intentionally mix things up. In our part of the world, there is this strange wave, that one just has to get married as soon as possible. People, both genders, go mad and absolutely frustrated and angry. They need someone in their life. A spouse so that they meet the norms of the society. When they don't get things done, they take desperate measures. Of ten, love, which is otherwise quite  beautiful is pushed into situations. People push themselves to believe they love someone, whether the person is right for them or if they are right for the other person. But the desire to be like everyone else is so intense, they pretend to be in love. A strange sort of love. A love that only means "I need to get married now or I will go mad" or "I need to settle down cause I can't control my hormones no more". But marriage and love are two different things.

Oh yeah, how can we forget the glorious expression of victory and pride once the goal is achieved. That too, is a sign of people who really, really, really talk a lot about love...their pride is brilliantly visible and flaunted.

Also, this mere desire to actually settle down, move on in life, be like everyone else (since that is considered to be quite normal) sometimes, urges many people to become all green, ugly and vicious. They play games. They pretend nice but their mind is playing a game and actually all they want is to get to their goal. In doing so,  they end  up doing lots of mean shit and hurt or fool many also. 

If love is such a beautiful thing, how can it make people who are so in love so selfish and bitchy? How can people a feeling or desire make people do harmful and spiteful things merely to fit in the norms?

These are just some observations. I have nothing against love. I believe in it. I don't like the way it is abused. Sometimes, I don't even like the fact that some of the most good natured people around don't end up finding true love while many selfish and mean people who actually don't have any patience in them get shit loads of love or attention. If this is all written from before, as I believe, it is, I think it is not so much fun to read.

Nevertheless, inspired by a movie I watched when I was little and the love that Hindi cinema promotes - true and beautiful love and that truth is love, I still feel if anybody is in love with someone somewhere, the best thing is to let the person know, rather than play a mindful game or wait. It just lifts the burden. I would rather take a rejection any day than play a bitchy game against others to attain some fake love to be a part of some pretentious society.

Slavery In The Name Of Love!

Can love really be destructive? Can it cause an absolute blockage in your brain cells. And then all you're left with is some confused thought...If things would have been different, it would be so much better. If only this wouldn't have happened, life would have been just the way it was planned.

I do believe in love and that it does exist, if not largely but in some capacity somewhere. Genuine love is rare though but I am sure it still is out there. Otherwise, this world would be so doomed a long time ago. The only reason why things are going on is because evil has not conquered it all completely.

Anyway, so can love be so deadly? Honestly speaking, I know many people who were madly in love and it all seemed perfect but they had a terribe end to everything. Then there were a few who even settled down and now it all looks so vain. Some realize it and some aren't even aware of the situation. That's how they are just passing each day without facing the truth.

What is worse is when I see some people who were so crazily in love (or as they claimed) before they got married, are so dishonest with each other now. Like I know a few guys who just sleep around for pleasure with other females and their wives are aware of it but they are cool about it because they feel at the end of the day, the man will come back home. And things are just fine.

I do understand that some relationships don't work out and the love ultimately fades away and then people move on...but when I see people proving to everyone that there is so much love when actually it's just an act, it just doesn't seem worth it. It destroys the very meaning of love and relationships.

A couple of us friends were having a discussion some days ago when we met after a long time on how love actually ruined this very smart guy's life. The guy was quite intelligent and was doing great in his career but just because he fell for the wrong woman at the wrong time, he was no longer the same man. And, now he can't leave her and she in turn is just making his life miserable. Such a stuck up situation.

Lastly, I was quite sad to see how one of my dear friends also fell for someone who is just treating him like a dog. Although I couldn't believe how he, of all the people could take all the crap. But, actually he is, and he is nothing less than a slave! And I am sure pretty soon he will be hooked for life and this slavery forever! And I would have to get nice clothes for his wedding to celebrate his slavery.

So, I am not really sure where that genuine love or feelings have gone...but they are definitely lost. And I still feel it's out there and if one is lucky enough it would come his/her way. However, I don't want to see any more slavery in the name of love ... it just spoils the entire idea of being in love. But this is such wishful thinking.

Profound Awakening

My dear imaginary friend,

It’s kind of complicated, but I have forgotten most of the things. I don’t remember what is a deep felt emotion anymore. Strange as it may sound, but I was capable of it when I was much younger. Now I don’t know…I don’t feel it anymore. I don’t even know if this is profound loss.

The feelings that were everything became the very cause of my ruin. Hopes were shattered, cause hopes were false. Leaves were fallen, as it was the season. Flowers faded away just like that, cause time was flowing like water. Time that knows the greatness of love has no time to wait for love. Not just slumber refused to touch my eyelids, but even tears refuse to visit me now.

Come to think of it, I wasn’t even mutilated in the real sense of the word. My heart was taken out a couple of times with the help of a sharp object & stabbed till it stopped beating. That heartbeat was a sin, according to man-made rules.

Once my heart was singed & it became a joke for a lifetime; everyone was jeering at it. Another time it was shredded to pieces & those pieces were thrown in different places. I couldn’t gather the pieces of my heart. It didn’t break my heart, cause I wasn’t left with one. You also need one to shed tears. Although I could see, but I was blind.

I don’t have that heart…that part of me was killed long before I woke up. It was killed so that it may never kindle again. That was my crime. My judges didn’t acquit my heart…they asked me to go without it. No, I don’t call it murder. I never died. I live, but I know how I live. I breathe, so to speak.

You can’t prove it as murder. We don’t have any evidence against the slayers. They were my judges. They thought they were right. After all, the world had sanctioned them.

I thought love was beautiful. I also thought it was sacred. In fact, I thought love was as beautiful as God. It wasn’t what I thought. Or do I even know it now? The memories are all tainted, my friend. Memories that ought to be better than hopes are now as cruel as hell.

You say you are in love. You have been in love before. You have touched it. Naturally you know what I’m talking about. These words aren’t meaningless. It’s another thing these words are put down on a piece of paper after their demise. I didn’t know the real meaning when these words were alive. How could I?

Slayers are never kind. They make sure that part of you dies. And if it doesn’t die the 1st time, it surely does sooner or later. All slayers form a unique brotherhood. A heart that truly loves is slain no matter what. There is no escape. It’s not a huge price or a deep loss. It’s not even profound grief. It’s life & life happened to me.I died a number of times before I woke up & now I can’t shut my eyes. And you don’t want to know what it’s like.



Eternally yours,
The Living Corpse

Nadira Rahman

A Dark Walk

Do we walk or stop? Has the time to decide finally arrived? Or is it just another walk in time? A walk that teaches only one thing – that I am here, and YOU are there.

As I walked I fell down once and twisted my ankle. Nobody bothered to hold me up. So I had to gather everything on my own and I moved on limping all the way. Met an ugly monster, who was crying for love.I talked to the monster and made it believe that love is for all – even monsters. I made the monster laugh. And it cried on my shoulders when it felt lonely. One day, it came across a vicious fox and fell in love with it. Then, the monster shunned me. “You’re no longer needed, you limping fool. Get out of my life!” And this is how I was discarded.I guess true friendships are really rare. I learnt and walked further. I realized it was getting darker. I also lost my goodies in the darkness. Some wild bitchy thugs beat me hard and took away my bare hands. I forgot what it felt like to touch and feel. What I was left with was a torn heart and a ripped soul.Eventually I became bitter. The heart was in endless pain and the soul trusted few. However, I actually thought I became wiser. All that must have made me a little better…at least a bit smarter perhaps.I trusted my instincts and closed my eyes. It led me to the darkest road I had ever seen. Yeah, it led me to hell where I met Smokey Smoke. It warned me the lesser the smoke, the better I’ll be. But having said that Smokey Smoke trapped me badly…so badly that I got addicted to its suffocation. I allowed myself to trust Smoke. But, this very smoke destroyed me completely.I had no hands to feel the danger of smoke. The damaged heart gave up and lit itself alight. The torn soul was left and left for what? To learn that it had to get lost after all. ‘Cause that was YOUR BIG PLAN ultimately. ‘Cause that’s how YOU somehow wanted things to be.Frankly speaking, so what if YOU’RE there, and I’m here? ‘Cause YOU just do your thing. ‘ Cause that’s what YOU always do. But sorry I don’t think it really helped much. Please bother no more.

Zaira Rahman