Yesterday. + I burned off 144 calories from just Dance 2 ;...

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Terry Pratchett initiates assisted suicide process:

Beloved science fiction and fantasy writer Terry Pratchett has terminal early-onset Alzheimer’s. He’s determined to have the option of choosing the time and place of his death, rather than enduring the potentially horrific drawn-out death that Alzheimer’s sometimes brings.

But Britain bans assisted suicide, and Pratchett is campaigning to have the law changed. As part of this, he has visited Switzerland’s Dignitas clinic, an assisted suicide facility, with a BBC camera crew, as part of a documentary will include Britain’s first televised suicide. Pratchett took home Dignitas’s assisted suicide consent forms.

<sub>I had to back out of getting Raiki, something that calms me down, because I’m too scared of actually going to the place to get it done. My social anxiety disorder attacks me each time I think about going, because the majority of people who go to this alternative therapy centre are elderly and… Well, let’s admit it. Old people are nosey and stare a lot. Staring is one of my triggers, which makes me panic and feel very sick.

Eh…

I hope the hospital contacts me about the specialists I’m supposed to see, as it has been months now. You’d think if someone’s health has caused them to drop out of college and be on sickness benefit, they’d sort it out. :c</sub>

From grungy to chic

I don’t think people understand that not eating actually does your body more harm than good. Diet in a healthier way.

It has been a long while since I have written anything in this blog about fitness.So I think that is what I will do before heading off to bed.I managed to get to the gym today to do a three hour session before doing other things.Normally I don’t work out for three hours but as with my body,it is taking longer for it to recover since I have reached 40 years old this month and which makes me suitable for an EKG test since at my ago I have a greater risked for a heart attack.But anyway getting back to the workout,I only did some light weights today just so that I can strengthen my left shoulder and do more cardio in the process because I think that the cake I ate last night really put on the pounds on my frame.Which made it harder for me to burn it off completely.I still have more work to do tomorrow or this morning in order for this cake to disappear from my belly and my thighs because cake,especially white cake which probably has a lot of chemicals in it.Chocolate cake probably has more chemicals than the white cake.Of course carrot cake contains a lot of calories.I didn’t head off to the gym that Sunday but I did get a yoga session in that Sunday which was good.

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True feelings are worthless

2 days ago, I read a short story based on a passionate, frenzied love & somehow I just can’t stop thinking about it. I’m actually disturbed & maybe that’s why I need to scribble something on it. As such I don’t like reading about love stories but at the same time, it’s almost impossible to stay away from them, because somehow they always creep in.

As usual it has made me question a couple of things. We feel so badly about a character but in real life, we don’t mind hurting & insulting people. It’s okay to be callous & have a bit of fun. True feelings are meant to be insulted sooner or later & love can surely take you to hell.

This is a story about Fred Manson & Gracie. Ned Preston is another important character. He happens to be a Prison visitor & that’s how he learns about the love affair of Fred & Gracie. Fred was serving 18 months sentence in jail for stealing but whatever he did, he did in the name of love. Gracie was much above him in everyway & he wanted her to have the best of everything.

Basically Fred is the type of character who only wanted a bit of fun & it was impossible for him to remain faithful to anyone, but he falls in love with Gracie. And beyond any reasonable doubt, it was genuine love.

‘I’m gone, I can’t help myself, I’m so stuck on you I can’t see straight. I didn’t know what it was to love like I love you.’

At another point, while talking about Gracie, he says this to Ned: ‘I could have had her over & over again if I’d wanted to. And I did want to & so did she. I knew that. But I respected her, see? She’s not like other girls. She’s one in a thousand, I tell you.’

Anyhow when he went to jail for stealing, things altered. Parents of Gracie didn’t want her to marry him anymore but she left the house & started working night & day. Meanwhile Fred thought that Gracie would leave him.

On the other hand, when Ned meets Gracie & tells him about why Fred was into stealing stuff, she said, ‘Tell him that nothing matters to me as long as he loves me. Tell him I’d wait for twenty years for him if I had to. Tell him I’m counting the days till he gets out so we can get married.’

18 months is not a very long time but things do change when you keep on thinking about the same person night & day. Naturally Fred became sick to death of Gracie. He didn’t want to see her face as he hated the sight of her. Even though Ned tried to convince him but Fred didn’t change his mind & so Ned had to go & tell Gracie.

I like how Ned expresses himself; there’s a lot of truth in it that one may not like but this is what happens even in real life. You don’t mind throwing a person as if he/she is a useless squeezed lemon:

‘Imagination’s an odd thing, it dries up; I suppose thinking of her incessantly all that time he’d exhausted every emotion she could give him, & I think it was quite literally true, he’d just got sick to death of her. He’s squeezed the lemon dry & there was nothing to do but throw away the rind.’

Anyhow Gracie took this awful news in a very calm manner. It was like as if she had missed a bus & it was a nuisance to wait for another one but she didn’t create any scene. This is what she said: ‘There’s nothing for me to do now but put my head in the gas oven.’ And the sad part is that she did.

This is indeed heart wrenching. I was wondering if this is what happens when feelings are so genuine, we can’t expect much when it comes to lousy crushes & attractions. And the more I think about this story, the conclusion seems totally apt & I hate it. Gracie was left with no other option & Fred must have been truly sick & tired of her. We can’t blame any character for the choices they made. I don’t know about the others but I think I would have done the same thing.

I guess it’s very easy to say: Don’t cry…just say ‘Fuck you’ & smile!!! For a long time, I thought life was the most inexpensive thing on this planet but now I believe feelings are even more cheap. No one wants to buy them. In fact people not just get rid of them in a variety of ways but they also jeer at them along with low-life fuckers & stuck-up cunts. It’s ironic there is no market for true feelings but most of the relationships are weighed in a balance, cause that’s the only business that works out in this world.

Teacher investigated for his relationship with an 8 year old girl

Neil Wilkes was 29 year old & he committed suicide over this episode as he just couldn’t take it anymore. Even before killing himself, he sent a text message to the little girl that he loved her.

Neil doused himself in petrol & set himself alight in October 2010 after sending this message to the girl: ‘I love you & always will.’

He was a teacher at Pinfold Primary School in Hyde, Cheshire. He used to give private tuition to the little girl. He was also quite closed with the girl’s family & he often accompanied on days out. While the probe never resulted in any court action, Neil was later convicted of harassing the girl’s family. He was also suspended from school. He was totally devastated after the investigation.

His psychologist, Dr Clare Blackburn, told the inquest that three days before his death, on October 20, he had told her he hoped to return to teaching after avoiding being put on the Sex Offenders' Register.

Deputy North Derbyshire Coroner Nigel Anderson said by the time the proceedings were over, Neil was 'reaching the end and had simply had enough'.

'There is a clear trigger which led to his depression and ultimately his death.'

There is no evidence that he had sexual relations with the child but he clearly loved her. He messaged her before taking his life. This again is a very strange story. I couldn’t find details on this case. Everywhere they are saying the same thing. It’s very irritating when you search for the story & everywhere you come across a copy/paste version of it.

I have read stories in which men have been attached to kids, but it’s not sexual interest. They do care. Michael Jackson is one such example but he was treated badly by everyone. We can’t say anything about the innocence of Neil. He took this pretty badly & now he’s dead.

15 year old bullied over parents divorce dies on rail tracks

Natasha MacBryde was described as a fun loving, model pupil who committed suicide under the wheels of trains after being bullied by a couple of lunatics. She was very close to her parents & was very upset when her parents separated.

There are snobby fellow pupils at Royal Grammar School Worcester & they teased Natasha about it. However, the spokesperson for the school said the staff was not aware about Natasha being bullied by students. They have ‘incredibly strong anti-bullying policy.’ I guess it shows how strong the anti-bullying policy is. A 15 year old is dead but these people only care about the damn image.

Natasha even messaged her elder brother James ‘I’ll miss you’ before her body was discovered on the tracks.

The bullying was definitely too much for this girl. She was already stressed. Her friends also posted messages on FB that she was being bullied by some rich kids.

A card left at the train station read: ‘You were an elegant and bright girl. I didn’t think it would have to end like this.

‘For the people who made you so down and sad, they didn’t even deserve to meet you.’

Very true! I guess when someone is down, only he/she knows how tough it is to think positive. People may say 101 things, but life can be very unfair. What these kids did to Natasha was psychological assault. It’s a very bad form of abuse. That’s why bullying of any kind results in so many deaths. Words can kill you. It’s an emotional abuse & you can’t get over it when you are plunge in gloom & doom. We have been covering such stories & it’s indeed saddening. But at the same time, we are well aware that we can't change the mindset of people. Some insensitive people will continue to judge & blame the victim for ending her life.

RIP Natasha!

Remembering Nafisa Joseph

We often talk about Nafisa, the smart and happening VJ from India. She was quite impressive as a VJ and almost everyone who watched her, loved her work. Though when I started looking at her pictures I couldn't really find really good pictures that would show how smart she looked really. It seems they don't have good records of people in the 90s or I don't know. It was a shock to hear about her death for her fans everywhere.

Nafisa was born on 28th March, 1979 and died on 29th July, 2004. She was an Indian model, won the Miss India Title in 1997 when she was eighteen. She also was the runner up in Miss Universe pageant that same year. But more prominently, people loved her as a VJ on MTV. It is said, she modelled for the first time when she was only twelve years old.

She also acted in an Indian version of Charlie's Angels called C.A.T.S. that was aired on Sony Entertainment. She edited a magazine called Gurlz.

Nafisa was appreciated for her work for animal welfare. She wrote a weekly column "Nafisa For Animals" in the Bangalore edition of Times of India. She campaigned for Welfare of Stray Dogs (WSD), People For The Ethical Treatment Of The Animals (PETA) and People For Animals (PFA).

Her sudden and untimely death shocked the world when she was found hanging dead in her apartment in Mumbai. People close to her say that she was very sad from inside for many days and had not been socializing. Something was bothering her. Her family blamed her fiance, businessman Gautam Khanduja for Nafisa's death because he lied to her about his divorce status. In reality he had told Nafisa he was divorced for last two years while they dated but when it was decided that they would marry in August 2004, it was revealed his divorce was not finalized and the papers were not yet completed. This meant a delay in Nafisa and Gautam's marriage. Nafisa was sad and felt betrayed perhaps and so she committed suicide.

Although a case was filed against Gautam but not much could be done about it because Gautam couldn't be held responsible for Nafisa's death directly. Media also said that there were problems between the two before her death due to his divorce issues. Nafisa blackmailed him that she would confront his wife while Gautam also blackmailed and threatened her.

Before Gautam, Nafisa also had affairs and engagements with Samir Soni and Sameer Malhotra that didn't survive. So he can't be blamed for such a reason for her death.

Unfortunately, such a bright and lovely girl whom the world admired killed herself in sad circumstances. It only leaves us to think that no matter how happy some people may look from the outside, it is not very easy to know what they are going through on the inside. People very conveniently pass judgements about people who commit suicide without understanding the suffering and pain.

Apparently, Nafisa is just one of the young and aspiring celebrities who was found dead in a shocking manner. Nafisa's friend and co-actor in C.A.T.S. Kuljeet Randhawa, also committed suicide in strange circumstances. She too hanged herself in her Juhu flat in 2006 leaving a suicide note saying that she is ending her life because she was unable to cope with the pressures of life.

Below you can see Kuljeet, I remember seeing her in C.A.T.S. but am quite shocked to know even she died so young.

Bullied Teens Dead

I read this sad piece on msn updates. It was about this teenage girl in Ohio, Sladjana Vidovic who was bullied at school so badly that eventually she ended up committing suicide in 2008. She hung herself to death by jumping off outside her bedroom window and tying the rope against the bed post. Her sister and family saw her hanging there dead. And obviously their lives have never remained the same since then.

She was 16. Apparently, the family had shifted from Croatia. The bullies at Mentor High School made fun of her accent, called her Slutty Jana or Slut-Jana-Vagina, threw food at her. In her time at Mentor High School, she was pushed off the stairs by a boy, smacked on the face by a bottle, received calls that she would wake up dead in the morning, told they will see her after school and much more.

Her friend at school said, she did use to stand up but eventually lost strength of fighting back with the non stop insults. Her parents complained to the management at school but nothing happened. They could not control the bullies. In fact, two years after her death, they have no records of complaints and they claim they lost track due to change in hardware.

Her sister remembers how the bitchy bullies came to her casket and laughed at how she looked even after she had died.

However, this was not the first incident. 4 teens had committed suicided at Mentor High School due to the on going, un-monitored bullies. Another boy, Eric Mohat was bullied and constant told that he was gay. He too committed suicide.

These two families are filing a case against the school. They have suffered and their kids suffered even more. I hope they get justice for their kids. Such incidents are very common. Bullies are out there all the time every where. Imagine how these sucky bullies will turn out to be as adults. Very dirty scoundrels.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39578548/ns/health-kids_and_parenting?GT1=43001

Dying young

Lucy Gordon left 2 suicide notes before hanging herself in the flat that she shared with her boyfriend in Paris. Gordon was 28 year old & she played the role of a reporter in Spider-Man 3. Her father said that the post-mortem has proved that she died from hanging herself.

Lucy Gordon’s suicide reminds me of Heath Ledger & Nafisa Joseph. Strangely Heath Ledger too was 28 year old at the time of his death. “He was found dead, face-down and naked at the foot of his bed in his rented SoHo apartment in Manhattan. There were prescription drugs, including sleeping pills, by his bed.” There have been speculations about suicide but no one is sure as to what killed him. His death was a huge loss. And we are all sorry for that. He had the potential to become a legend. He was one of the most talented artists.

I don’t know if people remember Nafisa. She used to be a VJ on MTV. Nafisa was the youngest participant in Miss Indian pageant in 1997. She hanged herself in her flat in Mumbia in 2004. This is what I’d like to share with you guys:

“She was to marry businessman Gautam Khanduja in a few weeks' time. According to her parents, Joseph took the step because her marriage was called off. This was due to Joseph having discovered that Khanduja was still married, although having told her he had been divorced for two years. When confronted, Khanduja refused to answer questions about his marital life or produce divorce papers that he had previously claimed he had filed. Instead, press reports at the time mention that he then threatened her with blackmail, probably after she threatened to confront his wife.

Joseph's parents filed a police report accusing her fiancé of abetting her death, claiming that Khanduja had been desperate to get out of the wedding for some time, and sought his custodial interrogation. In November 2005, the trial against Khanduja was stayed by the Bombay High Court until January 2006. The Supreme Court ordered that the case be put on a fast-track court, but as of March 2006, the case was yet to come up for hearing.

Khanduja claimed that there was no evidence to prove that breaking off the engagement had led to Joseph's suicide. He pointed out that Joseph's earlier engagements to Sameer Malhotra and Sameer Soni had also ended.

One year after Joseph's death, her friend and co-star in the television serial C.A.T.S, actress and model Kuljeet Randhawa also committed suicide while in her late 20s.”

Well something really terrible happens, when one thinks of taking his/her life. Hanging yourself seems like such a torture, but one who has been through a lot would do that. Taking pills when you can’t sleep at all & somehow you take so many that you end up dying sounds sad but it happens. In fact, Marilyn Monroe also comes in my mind. This lady’s death has always been shrouded in a mystery & how she was being used by big shots.

Such young & talented people put an end to their lives…This is bad news for all of us. We have been around & even ordinary people go on committing suicide…something is wrong somewhere. People don’t mind playing the role of bitches & assholes, & hurting others with their words & deeds as much as they can, but we never see anyone rescuing life. Life which is always taken for granted. Life which is too cheap for everyone.

You know if we could save one life, that would be more than enough. That would be 100 % success. Sometimes I do get carried away. However, I’m never sorry for that.

Is it worth all the trouble?

My dear imaginary friend,

There was a time when I used to think about ending my life almost every day. In fact, I used to try hard to finish it. I never succeeded & I’m not in love with life. It’s just that I don’t try to commit suicide anymore.

My alter ego once said to me: if you could save one life, it’s more than enough. Funny, isn’t it? My alter ego talking about saving a life when I’m dead! She also talks about neurotransmitters & how the level goes down & a person is not responsible for the chemicals in his body. She is ever ready to convince me that I’m not mad as the world depicts me. She has the nerves to say all this.

I think I saw my spirit once...flying in the air. I thought it was the end, but it wasn’t. It was the beginning; although I used to die by inches every day. I still do. The nightmare comes back every now & then. I don’t sleep & yet I see that nightmare with eyes wide open.

I’ve never liked the sight of blood. I never once tried to cut my wrist. I can’t see blood; it drives me nuts. I used to take sedatives & tranquilizers. I used take drugs. I was a big time addict. I was an escapist. I didn’t want to face anything. I was fucked up to the core. I wanted to run away from misery by inflicting it on myself.

My problem is...I can’t forgive & I don’t forget. Yeah I have a very good memory. Nemesis – I like this word. I want to know if there’s such a thing as nature’s retribution or poetic justice. I just can’t end my life. I need to have some answers. That’s why it doesn’t hurt as it used to. I may sound freaky, but I am not. And yes, it’s worth all the trouble.

Eternally yours,
The Living Corpse

Nadira Rahman