Exercise:

Exercise:

Cardio (43 mins)

Strength (23 mins)

Jamaican Cola, at the Jerk Center in Tarpon Springs

Jamaican Cola, at the Jerk Center in Tarpon Springs 

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Ovarian Cyst Natural Treatment:

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My problems with my shoes are gone - I just had to figure out how to wear them (if that makes any sense).

Also, AG, that’s awesome! I’ve noticed most of my cravings are gone as well. Especially from not having soda for awhile. 

BIG UPDATE: I went to a Charity event yesterday at Wing Chun place near me. Wing Chun is that kung fu I was telling you that my friend just got into. I signed up, completely forgetting that I was starting a new job this week. BUT! It does seem to be a great workout and it’s useful because it’s all self-defense techniques and real-life situations and stuff like that. Plus the instructors are really cute. I couldn’t pass up the chance. 

So, I’m starting work today and I’m going to see my schedule and I’m going to try and balance Wing Chun and the job. I probably will have to call the cute instructors and tell them I can’t make it three times a week. 

We’ll see. I’ll keep you updated!

Oh! And I started running the lake. I’m not to a 3 minute run, but so far I think I’m doing pretty well and I feel a lot more worked out when I finish. 

It’s raining a lot here, so my real problem is trying to stay dry. hahaha

BH

So, I’ve been a vegan for about a month now and a vegetarian for almost a year (3 months shy). Although, I feel like I cheated because I was a pescatarian in the beginning…I’m not going to be too hard on myself because I am what I am now and the past is the past. 

The best part about being vegan is that not only do I feel good, I look good. I have lost 10 lbs and it’s so much easier to pass everything through. I know that’s a bit personal but, hey, it’s natural!

So, I just wanted to update you guys on what’s going on because I haven’t been on for awhile.

Now, I’m gonna enjoy my vacation :) My sister, best friend, and I are in Maine with my family and it’s the most beautiful place in the world.

• i slept in rather than practice yoga this morning, but that’s okay because i did 4 days this week and that was my goal!
• 3.5 miles this afternoon, then maybe a teeny bit of ab/upper body work if i’m feeling up to it.
• the high is near 100 so i’ll probably get outside early and read/swim/lament buying my new bathing suit bottoms in the wrong size then losing the receipt 
• i just found out that my mom is making nothing that i can eat for dinner so i have to figure out what the hell to make for myself 

i also really want to watch love and other drugs. but i’ve heard that it’s not appropriate to watch with parents…but i don’t want to offend them by hoarding it alone in my room. then again, my parents watched misfits with me and just looked past the sexy parts and “it’s that british show about superhero teenagers” to them.

this post is brought to you by 10 hours of sleep and coffee with vanilla almond milk.

Breakfast: Vanilla non-fat yogurt with 2 tablespoons oat bran

Mid-morning snack: Nothing - wasn’t hungry

Lunch:  Two 97% fat free hot dogs with mustard 

Mid-afternoon snack: Nothing - wasn’t hungry

Dinner: Celery stalks with low-fat peanut butter, strips of a bell pepper

Exercise: 40 minutes brisk morning walk

Water: 64 ounces

For under 300 calories, this breakfast is pretty dang good!!

So, I just woke up and my entire body aches.

I really hope nothing dire is wrong with me.

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… by sugarock on Flickr.

… by sugarock on Flickr.

A year late on my annual eye exam..

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

vitamins-for-erectile-dysfunction62

Hewlett-Packard Tests Mobile Technology in Fight Against Malaria:

In this trial, people are asked to wear an H.P. watch-like device that includes a number of sensors capable of tracking a patient’s heart-rate and other vital signs. As the data is collected on the watch, it is sent through an application on a patient’s mobile phone and then transmitted to a doctor. Doctors are then given a Palm Pre 2 cellphone with a propriety app that can show graphs and charts of an individual’s vital signs.

It’s only a matter of time before these kind of mobile health monitors become globally commonplace. The vast majority of next-generation smartphones will include heart monitors to keep tabs on your well-being and help doctors determine the early stages of disease and health problems.

Here’s my logic: Why would I run every single day if I know I’m not going to do that once I get down to my goal weight?  it has to be a lifestyle thing.  If I don’t think I’m going to run every day for the rest of my life, why would I beat myself up about not running today?  I know I’ll do some kind of working out every day, but I’m not entirely sure I’m going to run every day.  I will not beat myself up over this.  End of story.

I don’t know who this girl is, but she is gorgeous. She looks amazing.

 

Even as hospitals in Germany are now filling up with people sickened by a super-powerful drug-resistant “superbug” strain of e.coli that looks like it was bioengineered, European health authorities are leaping at the opportunity to spread fear about organic foods while ignoring the obvious true cause of the contamination in the first place — the widespread abuse of antibiotics in animal farming operations.

The e.coli blame game has become a circus of musical chairs. First, they blamed the Spaniards as a form of retaliation for Spain’s resistance to accepting GMOs. This act drove Spanish farmers into bankruptcy through a savage campaign of rumor-mongering. After ravaging the Spanish vegetable farmers, they began to randomly instill widespread fear about a variety of vegetables: First it was cucumbers, then lettuce and then finally tomatoes. And now, the blame has come full circle and is now being cast upon organic sprout growers in Germany!

This has all been nothing more than despicable rumor-mongering that has now reached the point of economic warfare against vegetable farmers. And now it turns out even the latest round of blame cast upon sprouts was completely fraudulent: New tests reveal that the organic sprouts are NOT contaminated with e.coli.

The Wall Street Journal is now reporting:

“The Lower-Saxony state agriculture ministry said 23 of 40 samples from the sprout farm suspected of being behind the outbreak have tested negative for the highly aggressive, “super-toxic” strain of E. coli bacteria… In a surprising U-turn, German officials said initial tests published Monday provided no evidence that sprouts from an organic farm in northern Germany were the cause of the country’s deadly Escherichia coli outbreak.”

Huh? Weren’t these sprouts being blamed as the source of the outbreak up until yesterday?

Economic warfare and irrational fear-mongering

The truth is that we are witnessing an economic blame game run amok as health authorities destroy trust in one vegetable crop after another. It has become an episode of Godzilla, with the monster of German health authorities rampaging through the city, crushing vegetable farmers left and right by merely uttering the name of what they grow.

CUCUMBERS! No, wait. Now it’s TOMATOES! Hold on, nope. It’s actually SPROUTS! Wait a sec. Nope, not that either…

This has all become a circus of nonsense that translates into the economic devastation of vegetable growers. And that’s the whole point, actually: To demonize fresh vegetables and convince people that the only safe food is dead food. So through this campaign of destructive rumor-mongering, European health authorities can steer people away from eating the very things that help keep them healthy: Fresh vegetables and sprouts, all of which contain natural medicines and phytonutrients that prevent diseases such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes and Alzheimer’s.

By scaring people away from these fresh vegetables, they are pushing people toward less healthful options: Processed foods, dead foods, pasteurized beverages and fumigated or irradiated vegetables. Across both the EU and the USA, this is what health regulators have been deviously pushing for the last few years. All it takes is a few engineered e.coli scares to convince the public to avoid nearly all fresh vegetables!

Already, sales of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and sprouts have plummeted across Europe… even though there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that these vegetables are the source of the e.coli contamination. Astonishingly, virtually the entire public is now increasingly convinced that the only SAFE foods are processed foods!

Yep: Beware of fresh veggies because they might kill you! Instead, eat your GMO-contaminated, pesticide-ridden processed dead foods because that’s safe! This is the incredible conclusion of the war being waged against fresh vegetables — a war that is now using bioengineered weapons in the food supply to create fear and cause fatalities among innocent consumers.

good food!

During our training session JY told me about this amazing new device for hand strength. It is called the ‘powerball’… Now this blogger does not endorse products, but I thought I would tell the trainers of the world about it because it was the first I had heard about it and sounded intriguing!

This is something a trainer rarely does because we focus on the larger muscles, not realizing of course that is the weakest link in the chain that stops a client from acheiving more out of their workouts. We focus on abs (sorry to be politically corect… Core), the arms in men, the waist in women but we often forget about the little muscles.

It is also important to note tha the hands contain very small muscles and we need to maintain not only strength but also dexterity. Please if you use something like this gyroscope do not forget to add some tactility skills for your client.

PohFolk

WETHEPEOPLE Dont Gain Weight on the Job http://ping.fm/o2g7B health diet tcot weight job heart...

the sight of anything sweet literally makes me gag.  YES

splits

think breakfast is my favorite meal of the day: wheat berries, Greek yogurt, banana, raisins and peanut butter

Indonesian worker slaughtering a dog for a meal. A meal of dog meat and rice is believed to cure skin disease and boost vitality, and is sold for 99 cents.

Interesting to compare, in America we are told that a healthy diet is subsidized by meat and dairy, when in fact a diet of over 5% protein is unhealthy because of its excessive, and proven carcinogenic effects.  To put that into perspective, some fruits and vegetables with the lowest amounts of protein generally range at about 7%, still higher than the necessary protein intake.  An over-abundance of this protein from animals results in heart disease, high blood pressure, and cancers which are almost unseen in areas of the world that exist off of a whole food diet.

Having healthy skin also includes staying away from certain foods. Below are the worst foods for skin and should be avoiding or at least consumed in moderation.

Coffee. Can’t live without your morning Starbucks? You might have to in order to avoid the high levels of caffeine and sugar that can cause oily spots and rob your body of moisture. Try getting one of their many teas instead.

Salt. No surprise here, too much salt can also dry out your skin and lead to other health problems. It is often found in chips, pretzels, and even many soups have a high salt count. Try substituting a small amount of sea salt in recipes that call for regular salt.

Greasy foods. Also not a shocker, the oils found in these foods contain a high level of saturated fats and little to none of the essential fatty acids. These foods can include pizza, cheeseburgers, or anything fried. If the bag or box you bought it in is soaked in grease, this is not a good food for your skin or body.

Alcohol. No one ever said getting healthy skin was easy. It can also dehydrate your skin, especially after over indulging. Many drinks, such as daiquiris and margaritas, can also contain lots of sugar. Those who must have a drink should stick to light beer or a clear liquor mixed with water or plain soda.

White starches. These include items made with white flour such as bread, pastas, and rice. They can raise insulin levels causing inflammation in the skin. This sort of food also takes the place of whole grains, which can contain high amounts of selenium.

Soda, this includes Red Bull and similar drinks. Getting your eight glasses a day from soda can do damage to your skin. The sugar and artificial elements make it more difficult for your body to hydrate. Lipton and Pepsi offer a sparkling green tea that makes a great substitute.

Processed meats. These can be full of nitrates, salt, hydrogenated fats, and many other harmful ingriedients which are damaging to the skin. Any processed meat, such as bacon, hot dogs, sausage, anything found in a Hot Pocket, and similar products can be full of these. If you’re not sure, flip the package over and read the ingredients to see if it passes the test.

Anorexia nervosa is characterized by emaciation, a relentless pursuit of thinness and unwillingness to maintain a normal or healthy weight, a distortion of body image and intense fear of gaining weight, a lack of menstruation among girls and women, and extremely disturbed eating behavior. Some people with anorexia lose weight by dieting and exercising excessively; others lose weight by self-induced vomiting, or misusing laxatives, diuretics or enemas.

Many people with anorexia see themselves as overweight, even when they are starved or are clearly malnourished. Eating, food and weight control become obsessions. A person with anorexia typically weighs herself or himself repeatedly, portions food carefully, and eats only very small quantities of only certain foods. Some who have anorexia recover with treatment after only one episode. Others get well but have relapses. Still others have a more chronic form of anorexia, in which their health deteriorates over many years as they battle the illness.

According to some studies, people with anorexia are up to ten times more likely to die as a result of their illness compared to those without the disorder. The most common complications that lead to death are cardiac arrest, and electrolyte and fluid imbalances. Suicide also can result.

Many people with anorexia also have coexisting psychiatric and physical illnesses, including depression, anxiety, obsessive behavior, substance abuse, cardiovascular and neurological complications, and impaired physical development.

Other symptoms may develop over time, including:

• thinning of the bones (osteopenia or osteoporosis)
• brittle hair and nails
• dry and yellowish skin
• growth of fine hair over body (e.g., lanugo)
• mild anemia, and muscle weakness and loss
• severe constipation
• low blood pressure, slowed breathing and pulse
• drop in internal body temperature, causing a person to feel cold all the time
• lethargy

TREATING ANOREXIA involves three components:

1. restoring the person to a healthy weight;
2. treating the psychological issues related to the eating disorder; and
3. reducing or eliminating behaviors or thoughts that lead to disordered eating, and preventing relapse.

Some research suggests that the use of medications, such as antidepressants, antipsychotics or mood stabilizers, may be modestly effective in treating patients with anorexia by helping to resolve mood and anxiety symptoms that often co-exist with anorexia. Recent studies, however, have suggested that antidepressants may not be effective in preventing some patients with anorexia from relapsing. In addition, no medication has shown to be effective during the critical first phase of restoring a patient to healthy weight. Overall, it is unclear if and how medications can help patients conquer anorexia, but research is ongoing.

Different forms of psychotherapy, including individual, group and family-based, can help address the psychological reasons for the illness. Some studies suggest that family-based therapies in which parents assume responsibility for feeding their afflicted adolescent are the most effective in helping a person with anorexia gain weight and improve eating habits and moods.

Shown to be effective in case studies and clinical trials, this particular approach is discussed in some guidelines and studies for treating eating disorders in younger, nonchronic patients.

Others have noted that a combined approach of medical attention and supportive psychotherapy designed spe-cifically for anorexia patients is more effective than just psychotherapy. But the effectiveness of a treatment depends on the person involved and his or her situation. Unfortunately, no specific psychotherapy appears to be consistently effective for treating adults with anorexia. However, research into novel treatment and prevention approaches is showing some promise. One study suggests that an online intervention program may prevent some at-risk women from developing an eating disorder.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov

Homemade Strawberry Milk

1 Cup Strawberries (Either fresh or frozen), sliced

1/4 Cup Sugar

1/2 Cup Water

1/2 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract

2 Cups Skim Milk

In a medium saucepan, boil strawberries, sugar, water, and vanilla extract for 10-12 minutes, or until the strawberries release all their juices and the mixture is slightly thickened. Remove from heat and run the mixture through a fine mech sieve (save cooked strawberries to put on yogurt, ice cream, or pancakes). Refrigerate the syrup until cool.

Stir together the syrup and milk (if too sweet, add 1/2 cup more milk to dilute the flavor) and serve in chilled glasses. 

*Can you tell I adore strawberries?

? Mary-Kate

Bulimia nervosa is characterized by recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large amounts of food (e.g., binge-eating), and feeling a lack of control over the eating. This binge-eating is followed by a type of behavior that compensates for the binge, such as purging (e.g., vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics), fasting and/or excessive exercise.

Unlike anorexia, people with bulimia can fall within the normal range for their age and weight. But like people with anorexia, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape. Usually, bulimic behavior is done secretly, because it is often accompanied by feelings of disgust or shame. The binging and purging cycle usually repeats several times a week. Similar to anorexia, people with bulimia often have coexisting psychological illnesses, such as depression, anxiety and/or substance abuse problems. Many physical conditions result from the purging aspect of the illness, including electrolyte imbalances, gastrointestinal problems, and oral and tooth-related problems.

Other symptoms include:

• chronically inflamed and sore throat
• swollen glands in the neck and below the jaw
• worn tooth enamel and increasingly sensitive and decaying teeth as a result of exposure to stomach acids
• gastroesophageal reflux disorder
• intestinal distress and irritation from laxative abuse
• kidney problems from diuretic abuse
• severe dehydration from purging of fluids

As with anorexia, TREATMENT FOR BULIMIA often involves a combination of options and depends on the needs of the individual.

To reduce or eliminate binge and purge behavior, a patient may undergo nutritional counseling and psychotherapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or be prescribed medication. Some antidepressants, such as fluoxetine (Prozac), which is the only medication approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for treating bulimia, may help patients who also have depression and/or anxiety. It also appears to help reduce binge-eating and purging behavior, reduces the chance of relapse, and improves eating attitudes.

CBT that has been tailored to treat bulimia also has shown to be effective in changing binging and purging behavior, and eating attitudes. Therapy may be individually oriented or group-based.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov

WETHEPEOPLE Dont Gain Weight on the Job http://ping.fm/o2g7B health diet tcot weight job heart diabetes food militia exercise SGP

I think I’m allergic to my medicine.

I think I’m allergic to my medicine. 

I’m hella itchy. D:

I had a dream last night that I scratched my head so much that my scalp was bleeding. O__O That’s disgusting but then I woke up itching so that tells me that I had that dream cuz I was itching all night. lol 

But the itchy finally stopped and now it’s back again since I took my medicine a few hours ago… :|

"might delete this tumblr page."

“might delete this tumblr page.”

June 14, 2011

Breakfast:

• Small bowl of wholegrain cereal
• 2 dollops of greek yoghurt
• 5 almonds

Snack: 

• 1 small cup of mocha

Brunch:

• 125g blackberry yoghurt
• Nature Valley’s oats & honey bar
• 1 banana

Lunch:

• 1 small fried chicken drumstick*
• Kitchen-spoonful of rice
• 5 mini crackers
• 2 baby carrots
• 1 apple

Afternoon snack:

• 15 pistachios
• 2 small cinnamon muffins with brown sugar topping

Dinner:

• 1 small fried chicken breast*
• Small portion of stirfry (veges only)
• 1 mandarin
• 1 cup of ceylon tea

Evening snack:

• 1 cup of green tea

*No skin on chicken, just flour.
(Ah.. but still.
Well, I got to eat what mother cooks! Just always have to remind myself to eat healthy as well, thus my random fruits in between :P) 

I just bought this cute little leotard for £3 and my stomach is...

I just bought this cute little leotard for £3 and my stomach is shrinking. Today is a good day. 

Anu nanaman bang sakit to? :(

Kumikirot yung dibdib ko simula kaninang umaga. Minsan magiinhale lang ako tapos mapapayuko na ko sabay hawak sa dibdib sa sobrang sakit. Kasabay nun ang hindi paghinga. Dahil pag huminga pa ko, mas lalong masakit. Nangyayari na to sakin dati pero siguro mga once a day lang. Pero ngayon, halos every 15 minutes, kumikirot. Minsan 5 minutes lang kumikirot na ulit at umaabot ng 15 seconds yung sakit. Hindi ko alam kung ano to. Pero sana wala lang to. Sobrang dami ko nang sakit. Di pa nga gumagaling yung hyperthyroidism ko pero meron nanaman? :( Hindi ako naaawa sa sarili ko dahil alam ko na kaya ko naman. Ayoko lang ng masyado pang maraming gastos. Gumastos sila ng mahigit 10,000 sa mga tests at gamot ko sa hyperthyroidism/goiter weeks ago at nagmistulang pasyalan ko na ang ospital sa araw-araw na pagpunta ko dun. Ayoko nang mangyari ulit yun.

Kung lakas ang pag-uusapan, marami ako niyan dahil malaki ang DIYOS ko. Pero pag mga magulang na kumakayod araw-araw para samin, eh ibang usapan na yun :(

Wat

I’m so shocked I don’t even know what to say. Firstly, my parents thought it would be good to “teach me a lesson” and take away my computer rights. I think it’s because they don’t know how to solve a problem normally, it’s just better to punish and hope they come to the conclusion themselves. I didn’t even do anything wrong.. I never do. Well theyre insane so i’m not bothered. However I’m being hassled to move out to the point where they aren’t even speaking to me anymore. If they have anything to say it’s not nice at all and terribly awkward, so I’ve just being hibernating in my room for the past 2 weeks. I’m eighteen years old and being treated like this. This can’t be normal.
I also seem to be so fucking anemic that I’m losing feeling in my limbs again. I feel so dizzy constantly and can’t even concentrate or stay awake for too long. My muscles get painfully tense and strained when I stand for a few minutes. Argh, it’s like glandular fever come up all over again. If I get this more than once I will shoot myself in the face. I would go to the doctors except I have no money, my mum isn’t willing to pay for anything let alone buy me a damn steak or something. Because I haven’t been able to pay my rent this week because I had to pay for my friends meds. She tells me I’m “not even sick at all” infact. There is something seriously wrong with my family lol.
I can’t even feel my fingers as I type this and I can’t stop eating because I feel as though I’m going to pass out constantly. No matter how much water I drink its never enough. I slept for 15 hours yesterday. Whats happening to me.. Can’t wait till I get paid. I don’t even know when I will be allowed a desktop back, I will probably have to wait out for my ex to finish building my pc. God damn I hope it’s soon. Being sick with nothing to do in this house except drive myself crazy is torturous. I miss downloading shows and docs so much! fuck. I guess I’m stuck with reading and drawing. 

michelle kwan at the 2004 world figure skating championships...

michelle kwan at the 2004 world figure skating championships exhibition

i also figure skated for 6 years. this i was forced to quit when we moved to india because bangalore doesn’t have a rink. the feeling of having all the ice to yourself- there’s nothing much like it.

The Following Is Not Allowed In My Diet For 1 Week

• High Fructose Corn Syrup and other refined sugars
• Bleached, refined flour
• Anything made with any sort of processed oil (even canola, palm, safflower, or sunflower seed oil)
• No beverages with added sugars (exception of coconut water)
• No chemical additives (i.e. food coloring, artificial flavorings of any sort)

I just don’t know what to do.

I just don’t know what to do.

What if my mom does have Alzheimer’s? 

I just had to take care of my grandmother when I was a kid. I was eight years old, and I had to pay for our dinners with any money I could find because she’d forget her wallet, I’d have to cry in the middle of strange places because she’d wander off and leave me, I had to watch her hit her cat or feel her smack me over the head because she didn’t know who I was, and I had to miss out on my childhood because I was busy taking care of her when my parents were at work. I had to watch over her because no one else could, and she was with me because I couldn’t have a babysitter.

It’s only been a little over a decade. Even though she was losing me, and memories of me, and was terrible and cruel, I still loved her. She was with me for my entire childhood, more than my own parents, so when she died, I almost died too. And then after I broke, my heart felt better. I no longer had to care for an adult, and I was about to start high school.

So here I am, wanting to go to school, wanting to get my own house, wanting to get married, and I might lose my early adulthood to having to take care of my own mother. She was much older when this happened to her own mother. She has a brother who could help her, her brother’s wife and children who could help her, a husband who could help her. She had a career which could pay for the proper healthcare that my grandmother deserved.

I won’t have any of that support.

I don’t have siblings to help me. I don’t have a husband to help me. The rest of the family? Their house was destroyed in a storm. They’re living in a temporary home right now. My one cousin is about to get married. My other cousin is in school, finally. 

I can’t take their chances away.

But I can’t do this.

I don’t know what to do.

Every day, my breath leaves and I cry in the bathroom at work. I cry myself to sleep because I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this. 

And I want to get mental help for myself. I want to go to therapy so I don’t want to die every day. But if it’s between myself and my mother, I’ll always choose my mother first. Everyone knows that. Anyone that knows me knows that.

I cry every damn day about this. I can see her slipping. I know what it looks like. I’ve seen it. For years I saw the look in my grandmother’s face and heard it in her face. 

And my dad. He’s fine mentally and physically for now, but he’s much older… I’m glad that his brain is still intact. But what am I going to do when he passes? I’ll barely be 30.

I feel so damn rushed because of all of this. I feel like I have to have a career now. I have to be married now. I have to so that my parents can be there for those events.

Ugh even now I’m crying as I write this because I am just so scared and I am freaking out.

I’m going to be alone. I’m not going to have a family. They’re not going to be there for me and I don’t know how I’m going to live. I can’t take this. I feel all of this on my back and I can’t carry it alone but I don’t have any help and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live anymore but I have to so everyone else can be healthy and happy for the time they have left, but I am just so broken and I can’t stop crying and it hurts to breathe.

made by me :D

made by me :D

I'm literally feeling like a sack of shit lately.

My summer, thus far, has been pretty all right but I feel like I’m spending too much of it doing, well, nothing. I’m unemployed and it’s awful— no one seems to want to hire me. I guess I’ve also developed allergies… I’ve never had them before so I feel like pounding my head off a brick well. My eyes are ITCHY which is the worst since I wear contacts, I’m congested and can’t stop sneezing and my throat is sore and I just feel sick and shitty. I don’t know how to handle allergies so if anyone has some tips, besides taking pills, I’d love to hear it. I’m also wicked out of shape and just want to start feeling better. I think I’ll start a detox on Monday of sorts. Veggies and lean meats and plenty of wonderful things— minus dairy and carbs and sugar and the like. I’ll stay up tonight and read, wake up tomorrow and hopefully start exercising. Exercise is so wonderful and I need to start pushing myself to do it. I NEED TO GET A JOB AND I NEED TO START FEELING BETTER.

It is women like Marilyn that make me feel satisfied with my body.

I often think of myself as “average-sized,” although no such thing really exists, does it? Every woman has her own distinct figure and naming someone or a certain body type simply “average” isn’t very defining or complementary at all. I could be curvy in one perspective, or “small enough” in another, and that’s one of my demons I have to battle with - not knowing what to consider myself, not knowing what to think of myself, or what to do about it. Do I diet? Do I go to the extent to starve? Do I mindlessly eat whatever I desire? This is the everyday fight these days. 

To this day, after almost a year of my ever-changing confidence and heavy-as-cinder-blocks insecurities, I still don’t know how I see myself. Something I think I don’t see is that perspective is perspective, and that’s always going to differ beyond my control. I feel like my body is art, everyone’s body is art. I’m only built once, so what would be the point of de-constructing myself while I’m healthy? It is senseless when I am well aware of the consequences and the guilt.

Yet sometimes I still dream of it. That’s crazy to say since for a very short time I knew exactly what it was like until a binge that I felt terrible and emotional about. There were others, but that one in particular was worse than ever. I spent the night laying in my bed under my covers, with nothing but the lava lamp on, listening to a version “Videotape” by Radiohead over and over again. I’ve left the point a bit, but what’s important is that I’m not there, because otherwise I would be miserable and have sunk deeper into that darkness.

I suppose the overall point of my unleashing these thoughts right now is that every body is individually crafted from the rest of the world, and I should feel blessed and content with what I do have. If I intend to change, I should at least respect it enough to do it in a way that won’t harm myself. Besides, if I’m not even happy with what I’ve got right now, I won’t even notice the changes once I get what I thought was “desired.” For now, all I should desire is what I see in the mirror right now. The person underneath the foundation, the curly after-bun hair, and even the clothes.

Surgery in 12 days.

Feeling the butterflies, but I am sure I will be fine :3

walked 4.5 miles in 40 minutes.

walked 4.5 miles in 40 minutes.

awwww yeeeee.